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I deleted this account when I was really upset about some personal things--money, stuff w/ my dad, stuff w/ the women in my life.  I created a new account b/c I wanted a new start.  My new SN on here is rainbowwindsong and the link to my page is rainbowwindsong.livejournal.com 
       My friend and fave cab driver Whitey died on Sept. 17.  He passed away in his sleep, probably from a heart attack.  He'd been hospitalized for heart problems earlier in the year.  I'm heartbroken, lost without him.  We understood each other on so many levels, and now I don't know where to turn.  You can read all about it in my new LJ.  I got rid of the really mean stuff I wrote before deleting my account, and will add friends from this account onto my new one as well, if I've not done so already.  The mean stuff, by the way, wasn't about Whitey.  He and I only had one argument in the 3 years I knew him, and it was resolved so quickly, and I'm glad of that.  I saw him the day before he died.  I'm glad we got to take one last ride together.  He always said "keep in touch."  That was his way of saying we were fine, and as close to "I love you" as either of us ever got.  Whitey was not the sentimental type.  I feel so alone without him, though!  So, please read my new LJ and add me if ya like.  Aside from my grieiving process, it's actually a pretty positive read.  Thanks.
Nicole aka --Liv
now known as Rainbow Windsong
 I'm thinking of switching my service from Verizon to AT&T.  But my credit score is 647 b/c of credit card debt and student loans.  I'm paying on my debts every month, making sure I don't miss any payments, and my dad is helping me w/ food and utilities, including cell phone, so I never miss payments there.  My question: Is AT&T going to make me pay a lot up front, or get a GoPhone (prepaid phone), or will I qualify for a contract service plan?  What's the minimum score to qualify?  Anyone know?  
Wow.  What a night.  There were some really bad storms in IL and Indiana last night.  It's bad when there's a tornado warning for the city of Chicago, including downtown and the north side b/c that's so rare.  Luckily, no one I know got hit w/ any tornados, but a lot of ppl I know were without power, including Brandy's fam.  I spend most of my summer w/ them b/c they have central air conditioning, and they're only a block away from my place, so I can easily go home if I need to.  The power went out at like 11:30 last night, and was out for at least 12 hours.  So, no AC, no fans, no TV, internet, all that good stuff.  How did we ever survive without all this technology?  LOL  Well, I called my dad this morning, to ask if I could come over to his house if the power didn't come back on.  My dad's power didn't go out.  He said it was no problem.  It's his b-day, and he and Candi were supposed to go out tonight, but my dad was going to reschedule w/ her, and come get me instead, if I needed a place to cool off and do homework.  I thought that was so sweet!  My dad told me to call him back at 2:30, and let him know what I wanted to do.  Well, the power came back on at around 12:30, when Brandy and I were out having lunch.  We finally found a restaurant that had electricity, was open, and had their AC on.  We also went over to my place and made sure everything was ok.  Thankfully, my power stayed on all night.  Brandy and I went to Mi Tierra, and her grandma called and told us the power was back on at the house.  So, I called my dad and told him I didn't need to come over, but thanked him like a million times for the offer.  He said it was no problem, and I could come over anytime.  He said it's all about priorities, and he wanted to make sure I could be comfortable and get my homework done.  He's also going to put money in my checking account, to make up for my having to use my debit card quite a bit the past couple weeks, since my dad has my new MasterCard.  I still have to fill out some paperwork for capital one, and my dad is going to help me w/ that on Friday.  Hopefully, he can help w/ the foodstamps paperwork too.  Anyway, it was so sweet hearing my dad say I was welcome at his house anytime, and that he'd reschedule w/ Candi if I really needed him to come get me.  That made my day.  It's great to know that my dad is always there for me, no matter what.  So, I'm happy.  Everything worked out.  Oh.  The Harris Bank stuff finally got straightened out.  The short version is that we got caught up on payments, and won't have high payments for awhile.  it'll take me longer to get stuff paid off, but at least it'll get paid.  Huge sigh of relief.  Hopefully, by this time next year, my credit score will be decent enough so that I can switch my cell phone service to AT&T, so I'll have a phone that works a lot better, and not have to make a big down payment when switching my service.  Brandy starts her classes tomorrow.  She's got early morning classes this term.  I don't envy her there.  One of my friends got me interested in paltalk now.  LOL  I just have to figure out how to set it up so it doesn't log me in every time I connect to the internet.  Ok.  Time to finish email and then do homework, or go to bed early, since I really didn't sleep much last night.  I stayed up w/ Brandy most of the night.  Nothing like a power outage to bring the whole family closer together, eh? 
 Ok.  As many of u know, I have had to limit my spending quite a bit.  So, this was my one day a month to go out and be a bit silly.  I spent quite a bit yesterday, but most of it was planned for.  I allowed myself a certain amount to be spent on dinner, a certain amount for shopping, and we only took a cab to the north side, but took public transit while we were there, and on the way home as well.  It should be noted we spent at least four hours either on buses and trains, or waiting for them.  So, most of it was a travel day.  So, if ppl wonder why I take cabs a lot, it's b/c of time constraints and b/c huge crowds (when the bus is standing-room-only) really trigger my anxiety.  Ok.  Now for the fun stuff.  
        Alchemy Arts is a lot bigger than I remembered, but then again I hadn't been there for ten years.  That was in college, when I was Tim's biggest fan.  :sigh:  Good times.  He's married now, and I'm glad we're both happy.  I gotta email that guy.  It's funny, his name is synonymous w/ my interest in Paganism.  I was so completely drawn to him.  Aside from Jose, Tim was the only other guy I ever loved.  In college, we shared a very close and intense friendship, and we loved each other, but not enough to make for a successful dating relationship.  And for the longest time, part of me wondered "what if."  What if we'd dated?  What if...But I digress.  
         Brandy really isn't too into Pagan stuff, but she's a bit curious, I think.  And that's fine.  It's something I'm interested in, and as long as she doesn't make fun of me or judge me for it, it's all good.  We looked at stones, jewelry (not for too long b/c I love silver jewelry, and would have bought some, lol), books, and tarot decks.  I bought a book called "inside a witch's coven," as I still have hopes of someday finding that right group of womyn to practice with.  I don't hate men, I just feel more comfortable doing rituals w/ women.  I'd have to really know the guy first, I guess.  Some of the Pagan dudes I've met viewed me as nothing more than a piece of meat, and that was just plain creepy.  Brandy wanted the Pathways of the soul tarot, but it was $35, way too much for a tarot deck.  I'm gonna see if we can get it cheaper.  But I got my Light & Shadow deck, so it's all good.  
          Before going to the Pagan store, we went to Leona's.  Our friend Roy took us there.  he works for Express Cab, and is really cool.  We would've hung out w/ Whitey, but he was having car trouble.  Poor guy.  Roy is so sweet and funny.  And he shares my love of the word "armadillo."  lol.  We were passing a bookstore called The Armadillo's Pillow, and Roy was like: "Hey, man, let's go hang out at Armadillo's Pillow.  I like the name.  It's not often you can say the word Armadillo."  I was like, "Me too!  I love that word!"  And we both like New York accents.  Yay!  And a lot of the same music, plus he's a Cubs fan.  So, yeah, I think I've made a new cab driver friend.  LOL  I mean, ya gotta have some fun stuff in common if you're going to spend a lot of time in a car w/ someone.  Roy dropped us off at Leona's, Brandy's fave restaurant on the north side (and ok mine too, lol).  We were waited on by this really awesome guy who even sang while he was working.  The food was awesome.  Brandy had her baked garlic chicken, and I had my meatball sandwich.  It's a huge sandwich, w/ fresh provalone cheese, homemade meatballs, marinara sauce, and this awesome bread, w/ just enough garlic to give it flavor.  It's just so awesome!  We have a Leona's in Oak Park, but it's not nearly as good as the one on Sheridan & Farwell.  Oh.  I had to use my debit card to pay for the cab fare b/c Brandy forgot her student card (credit card w/ very low limit).  I hadn't planned to use my debit card, but at least I had enough in there.  Oh please Goddess, let me be able to keep that tuition refund.  
       After Leona's and Alchemy Arts, we went to Borders.  I bought my dad's b-day gift, and a book for Brandy, since my dad's book was on sale.  I figured since I got stuff at Alchemy Arts, it was only fair to get Brandy something as well.  I love her so much.  She went w/ me to do all that running around yesterday.  It was a fun day.  I didn't do any homework yesterday, so I'll have to do that today before going out w/ my dad.  We're going out for his b-day.  Please Goddess don't let him yell at me about money.  Please.  I beg of you.  Please don't let us be alone long enough for him to yell.  I plan to ask tons of questions about his trip to Mexico, and talk about whatever else I can, anything but money.  Please Goddess, anything but having to discuss money w/ my dad.  It's the one thing we argue about, and it just makes me more depressed.  Brandy and I looked at our credit scores/reports yesterday.  Mine is not much better than hers.  I'm not proud of it, but once I get caught up on my debt, pay stuff off on time, and don't accumulate new debt, I can hopefully repair my credit.  Please Goddess, help me to return to my former glory of 743.  647 is a huge disappointment.  :sigh:  
        Ok, I think that's pretty much it.  I miss Lisa.  I haven't called her b/c I know she's quite busy w/ job and apartment stuff, and reconnecting w/ friends in Bloomington.  I can't wait to hear all about her trip.  Ok.  Time to do some homework.  
 Well, I applied for the next session of training classes at Sarah's Inn.  I really should have done the training when Brandy did, but by the time I figured that out, it was too late for me to sign up.  Hopefully, I can get in for the training in Sept., and then start volunteering for the crisis line in October.  It'll be something I can put on a resume, and a possible networking opportunity.  I found out that applying for internships for Capella stuff is a long process, and I'll do that once I've completed my coursework.  But I'd have to do all my own networking/advocacy, so I may as well start early.  I'm nervous!  But at least Brandy will go w/ me to the training classes so I won't have to go there alone.  And I at least know what to expect b/c I've seen Brandy do the crisis line stuff, and I've also sat in on some of the classes.  So, I'm a bit ahead of the game in that sense.  I just hope this works out. 
 Liz and I aced the genogram assignment.  Yay!  We got a 100 percent!  And yes, I made sure I told my instructor that Liz helped me w/ the genogram.  It's only fair to give credit where credit is due. :)  My classmates are so awesome.  I love my coursework, and am learning so much.  Hmm.  I wonder if there are any other blind students at capella.  definitely something to ask about.  
Well, Brandy and I went to Harris Bank, and are in process of getting stuff straightened out.  Brandy and I had a long talk about the visa card as well.  She didn't know about the fees attached to the cash advance thing.  She also didn't know that what she did would affect me as well.  She thought b/c she used her card, they'd only come after her, and not me.  I can't blame her, as no one in her family has joint accounts, so it's not as though she had someone to learn from.  I explained this stuff to her when we first got the card, but that was years ago, so I can understand how she would forget stuff.  She has a learning disability, but I don't see her as someone w/ a disability, learning or visual.  I see her as my partner, my equal, the love of my life.  I forget that she doesn't know everything I know, that she hasn't had the life experiences I've had when growing up.  So...at long last, I think I just might be able to stop being mad at her about this.  She's lived w/ me for six years, and she's never stolen from me, nor has she ever used my credit or debit cards without my consent.  So, I know I can trust her w/ my stuff.  I think there's just too much confusion involved in joint accounts, so I just don't think it's a good idea for us to have joint accounts.  I just hate that we both had to find this out the hard way, and the expensive way.  On a more positive note, our pal Whitey is back.  Yay!  He asked how much I can see, and asked if I could see him.  My response: "Yeah.  I think you're cute."  LOL  He is, in his own way, and by that, I mean personality.  He's a great guy, and he's been really good to Brandy and me.  He's one of the few guys outside my family that I actually trust, so that says a lot.  I did my homework for today.  And found out that some stuff I thought was due today isn't due till Friday, so I'm taking a few hours off and relaxing.  I need it.  Hopefully, I'll know the results of the Harris Bank stuff later this week. 
 We have to do genograms for my family therapy class.  Genograms are like a family tree, only a lot more complex.  I had a hell of a time getting software for the project--still have not heard back from the company that I bought software from.  Grr.  Downloaded some free software, but the program itself is completely visual, and the help tools really don't offer many clues as to how to construct a genogram.  Thankfully, one of my classmates offered to help me w/ the genogram.  So, it looks like I'll get my assignment in on time--it's due tonight.  I just hope I provided enough info in the email I sent.  I really don't like asking for help, but it was either that or get a failing grade.  I understand the concept, and could probably draw the genogram by hand, but computer graphics just aren't my thing.  Brandy couldn't even figure the thing out.  I'm just glad I was able to get help w/ this.  I also asked if there's anything I can help my classmate with, to return the favor.  I have one more genogram due for this class, and am hoping I can get help w/ that one as well.  The first was one about my family.  the second is based on the movie Parenthood, which I'm getting from Netflix, and will be watching next week.  The movie genogram isn't due for another couple weeks, but I figure it's best to just get it over with, especially if I'll need help.  I just hope and pray I won't have to do genograms for any of my other classes.  Please let this just be something unique to this particular class.  
 Brandy's cat Socks has been sick for the past couple weeks.  She wasn't eating much of anything, hardly walking around, and just really not feeling well.  We took her to the vet a couple weeks ago, and she was given some meds, but nothing seemed to work.  So, Brandy, Eden, and I went to the vet tonight, and put Socks to sleep.  She was 14 years old, and Brandy's Grandma's favorite of the 3 cats.  Now we're down to 2 cats at Brandy's house.  It's sad seeing an animal suffer.  Poor Socks.  Brandy is pretty sad, understandably so.  I'm doing the best I can to just be there for her.  i know she needs me.  And tomrrow, it'll be a year since Mittie died.  Rest in peace, Socks.

I'm writing this in SVU code b/c I've missed doing that.  Stopped doing it for awhile b/c it confused some ppl.  Yes, I sometimes refer to Brandy as Elliott.  It's a long story.  Here goes. 

       Basically, I'm worried that I can't be a good partner to Elliott right now.  I'm struggling w/ so much of my own career/life stuff that I can't really do all those fun things I used to do.  I don't have the time or the resources that I once had.  Going back to school has really tapped out my resources.  I've pulled away from a lot of ppl this past year b/c I've been hurt a lot.  I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship last year, though not of a romantic nature.  Remember crazy Beth?  And w/ all the other stuff going on at the time, including the death of my beloved Mittie kitty, I was really angry and just decided it was best to keep my distance.  Alex and Elliott are among the few I've remained close with.  Alex is a real treasure, one of the few women I'm close to.  I've noticed that she and Elliott seem to have more of a rapport w/ one another these days.  I just feel bad that I really can't be there as much for either of them right now.  I'm also hurt and upset b/c my partner kept me in the dark about some really important stuff for a very long time.  Having to find out about stuff on something so impersonal as a company website, rather than from my partner, is a real blow to the ego.  I tell my partner everything.  And I've often said that if u can't trust ur partner, it's time to get a new one.  But I don't want to do that.  That's the furthest thing from my mind.  So, I'm not looking for anyone else.  I'm devoted to my partner.  It just hurts when I'm mushroomed like that.  Mushroomed means kept in the dark and fed shit.  In other words, getting BS'ed for a very long time, and then finding everything out way too late, when there's nothing I can do other than damage control.  It's not easy.  I just feel so distant from everyone these days, and it sucks.  So, I do what I do best.  I go to work.  I lose myself in my many assignments and try to numb my emotions that way.  Right now, it's the best coping mechanism I've got.